Sticks, Stakes, lights and chastity belts
by Lady Amarra
Summary: John stumbles into the wrong room and they end up on a stake, ready to be burned


Title: Sticks, Stakes, lights and chastity belts  
Author: Amarra  
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis  
Category: Slash, Crack-fic  
Rating: Pg-13  
Paring: John/OC, Rodney/John  
Summary: John stumbles into the wrong room and they end up on a stake, ready to be burned.   
Warnings: Not betaed yet, english isn't my native language, so forgive me the typos.  
Spoilers: Season 2 episodes aired till now.   
Disclaimer: I don't own them, I only wish I did this is just for fun.  
Author's notes: I think this should be explained with too much coffee, screaming parents  
(at each other, not at me) and boredom. Blessed be our Lord Rodney, who inspired me  
with his wonderful performance of jealousy in sanctuary.

The morning sun was too bright, the sky too brightly blue and the smell around them  
generally ranging from horse shit to the obligatory toilet standard of the dark, dark ages,  
which brought his ringing head to think back to all the possible sicknesses around him  
and the awful brew the so called royal family had offered last night, yeah, not to mention  
that anything went downhill from the moment he woke up with the mother of all  
hangovers and no Colonel Sheppard.

Because Colonel Sheppard had spent the night not entirely like they had thought he  
would, what lead to the already mentioned flaw in their host's hospitality and to them  
being bound to a stick in the middle of the marketplace. Yeah, this was one of the  
moments in which he wondered why he was doing what he did for a daily living. Yes, he  
was a smart man, one of the most brilliant minds ever alive, one of those men who  
rewrote the laws of physics on a daily basis – and that really had to be something   
special… he was a fucking genius, but seemingly not smart enough to see this coming.

"… Those crimes alone are punishable by being skinned alive!"

And the crowd cheered for the fat man, who swirled around and pointed at Sheppard and   
McKay.

"But the worst crime of all, dishonouring our Lordship's beautiful daughter, screams for  
the worst punishment…"

And the crowd groaned, because seemingly this was nothing new for the crowd, because,  
honestly, the Princess had not looked like there was anything to dishonour to begin with.

"Death!"

And the crowd cheered again, it was an event to have someone burned after all, and  
Rodney was sure this wasn't happening very often.

"That wasn't me, really not!" Sheppard tried to defend himself, as if anyone would have  
believed him.

"You were found sneaking out of her room." The fat man growled and pointed a torch at  
them, pointing with the other hand to the princess who tried to look as pure as possible.  
"Her handmaiden heard sounds from her chambers which couldn't be mistaken…"

"Well, seemingly they could, because I didn't do anything! I was way too late to do  
anything there…" 'And I was way to drunk' Sheppard wanted to add, but didn't because it  
didn't look very professional or innocent to say that.

"Liar, our princes is no longer the pure light of day she was, and you are to blame!" The  
Fat man growled, the crowd was close to laughing and the princess tried to take it with a  
shocking routine. "You and your dirty mind tricks, your dirty magic lured her in your bed!   
Where you forced her to take part in the disgusting act of _unpureness_…" The fat man  
slurred and Rodney tried to force his brain down and not argue with the guy who could  
set him on fire about the fine art of grammar and style.

"Dirty magic! Oh yeah, sure!" Rodney snarled and rolled his eyes.

"You, dimmed her light forever!" The Fat man waved his torch, coming closer.

"I have no clue how much of a light she was before I came here, but I think that she  
enlightened someone before me…" Sheppard groaned and tried to fight his hangover.

Well, Rodney could have told the Colonel that something like that wouldn't get them very  
far, or in this case, not burned on a stake, but it was already too late as the fat man  
stalked off to set the torch on fire.

„And that is exactly what we get for your Kirk tendencies, being roasted on a stake in the  
middle of nowhere." Rodney spit out and rolled his eye. "Congratulations Major… I always  
dreamed of an end worth the rest of the world to remember, but being the weekly show  
event for the badly styled version of the cast of Lord of rings was not what I thought  
would happen, ever."

"Oh please…" John snarled back and pulled on the boundaries as if it would help  
anything. "Now will you calm down, McKay, we aren't dead yet!"

"Emphasis on yet." He grumbled. "This is absolutely your fault Captain Kirk…enlightened  
someone else before me… how much moonshine did you drink for that line, huh?"

"It's Colonel, It's Colonel… you do that on purpose do you? I thought you claim yourself  
to be a genius and you never get my rank right! You do this to annoy me, don't you!"  
Sheppard snapped back, pulling on his boundaries some more for good measure before  
giving in. 

"As if it would matter which rank you prance around with, now that we are going to die  
because you played hide the magic stick with the resident princess…"

"Hide the magic stick? Who do you think I am? Harry Potter?" He spit. "I haven't done  
anything with the princess!"

"Which is why we are burned alive as soon as the fat man over there gets his stick on   
fire…" He winced at the miserable play with words. "And by the way, didn't Elizabeth tell  
you to keep it in your pants?" 

"She didn't." Sheppard pouted. She really hadn't, not by any means. In fact she had merely  
mentioned he should behave like the ranking military officer more often. That wasn't including  
to keep it in his pants, not at all. Well, perhaps to keep it in when outside of his room, or  
Mckay's room for that matter.

"But I am sure she will when this is over, and remind me to make sure of this myself."

"Rodney…" He whined.

"Don't Rodney me, I personally will make sure you keep your pants on, on – and off-  
world…" This was the moment in which the fat man finally managed to set the torch on   
fire, waving it for the amusement of the masses. "If we ever make it out of here…"

"That's not fair McKay. I didn't do anything with this princess…"

"Like you did nothing with that dump blond out of this bad Shakespearian episode with  
that damn tower that nearly crumbled down over my head, or like you not kissed  
Elizabeth as if you were Beckett on search for her tonsils? And why the hell do you have  
to flirt with Cadman so much huh? You flirt with anything with boobs… really, Major…"

"Colonel, Rodney." Sheppard growled back and hoped the rest of his team would get out  
of the alcohol introduced coma sometime soon to rescue him and McKay. "And I am not  
flirting with Cadman, the one who kissed Elizabeth wasn't me… and for god's sake don't  
remind me on the other one, I swear to god half of the people there tried to get their  
hands on my ass…"

"As I said, Captain Kirk." McKay spit and put up a begging smile for the fat man and his  
torch that came frightening close.

"Oh Rodney, come on."

"There is no Rodney, not for you anyway."

"I swear I didn't do anything with the princess, I swear, I was on the search for your   
room…" Sheppard whined once more and Rodney tried to ignore how screwed they were  
– with the fat man prancing around with his torch - and how sexy Sheppard managed to  
sound at the same time.

"Yeah, sure you were."

"No really, you looked so adorable last night, all unshaved and dirty…"

Okay, Sheppard was flirting with him, shamelessly flirting, his hands – instead of trying  
to get out of the boundaries – rubbing against McKay's, and had he mentioned the  
flirting? "Your charms don't work on me Major…"

"Stop calling me Major, damn it! Frankly, McKay, why don't you believe me when I say   
she didn't light my candle at all…" Sheppard groaned, which was ironically the moment  
the fat man picked to light the pile of wood arranged to their feet.

"Because of the bad metaphors you use? The cheesy clichés with the dishonoured  
princesses? That we usually run and hide like the characters in a stupid sci-fi movie,  
mostly, from equally stupid aliens?" McKay squeaked, with a good amount of panic in his  
voice. "This is so absurdly surreal, that I am honestly amazed my IQ is still as high as it  
was before I came here…" He hit his head against the wooden stake and whined. "Oh,  
yeah, not to forget the fact that all this crap is my daily life!"

"Yeah, but you love me and you love this crap."

"Oh sure, I love to get burned on a stake… because it just is the highlight of my day." He  
pulled and pushed on the boundaries, eyes watering already from the smoke around   
them. And well, Sheppard was laughing hysterically, but he tried to ignore it. "Why are  
you laughing?"

"There really must have been something in the crap they tried to sell off as wine last  
night…" He was shaking his head. "This is just too hilarious…"

"I hate you."

"No you don't." 

"I do."

"No, I know for a fact you don't." Sheppard grinned, not only because Teyla, Ronon and  
a good dozen of Marines came to their rescue.

"No, seriously, I hate you. And as soon as we out of here I will get you into a chastity   
belt and hide the keys…"

"Sounds like fun…" Sheppard quipped, watching with joy how Teyla beat the crap out of   
the fat man.

"I hate you Colonel, I hate you."


End file.
